Author Archive

An acknowledgement that Christopher Maloney is a rubbish person and can’t sing

I told you. I predicted it and nobody listened. I was told to pick up the phone but I didn’t, because I knew the outcome was going to be just as predictable as telling myself I’m not going to eat the last biscuit in the packet – it’s inevitable. And yes, I did bunker down [...]

Rihanna would be a terrible guidance counsellor

She may be beautiful (like a diamond in the sky – or what ever that means) but Rihanna is definitely not the doe-eyed figure of innocence that once invited a ghostly silence of remorse any time someone shook a fist in her face. After the very public beating Rihanna endured after that infamous night, everybody [...]

On Hurricane Sandy: ‘This really sucks’, says MTV’s Snooki

It’s a Saturday afternoon and I’m walking around my flat, sad and alone. There is only one thing for it. One thing that may shift my day entirely on its axis, thus causing me to double-over, raise back up with hands aloft like a morphling from Ninja Turtles and embrace this new shiny life. I [...]

Airbrushing – how you were conned into ‘perfection’

  It’s not often that that dodgy pair of old boots are better off looking a little worn and beaten. It gives them character. If they were a person they’d be that slightly wrinkled man that always smiles at you in the butcher’s (he will look totally normal and not at all like a paedophile). [...]

Throwing burning torches at large houses and lavish lifestyles because it will never be yours

It’s so difficult to pity those with endless supplies of dough at their disposal. Yes, I am jealous, and so are you probably. Because we’re all after that extra bit of money. Oh the things we could get up to with it… maybe use it on a mini splurge, get yourself a new winter coat [...]

Why swearing at the TV screen was made for early morning breakfast shows

TV’s a bit depressing these days, isn’t it? That square of doom, looming in the corner like a snaffling badger that has all the intent of chewing your face off in one quick flick of a switch. This is something that was manufactured for entertainment, you know, making us happy and that, giggling with our [...]

Is It Always Best To Come Clean?

It’s one of those age-old mantras – ‘honesty is the best policy’, but does that always remain true in the celebrity world?     If there was a prize for best celebrity body, I could, hands down proclaim Nicole Scherzinger was top dog. She’s lean and toned, yet extraordinarily effeminate looking – she has what [...]

Hersheys, Pancake Syrup and X Factor USA

Like I need any other imports to make me sick!   X Factor USA has started again and I’m really enjoying it. I really am. It gives me a chance to lounge back into the folds of my sofa, gripping a steaming hot Twinings in a mug placated with a celebratory Union Jack, and chortle [...]

Everybody has a friend like Kirsty Alley to make them feel better about themselves. Nobody has friends that look like Cheryl Cole.

Dolls are cute, aren’t they? You play with them a bit when you’re little, dip them in some vinegar or something and chew their leg off until they’re nothing but a carcass of plastic and realigned scalp. But it’s true what they say, that what you grow up with carries with you in later life. [...]

Men that are in relationships with women and dislike women and like to moan about women shouldn’t be allowed to speak

Men and women – they’re two different species aren’t they? Men are always right, and women are always wrong. That’s how it goes, isn’t it? It’s how we’ve been taught, there’s even books on it, crafted by some well-to-do 19th century writers that stared at their groin and demanded it crystallised. Well, I’ve got news for [...]

Kristen Stewart might be a moody, unlikeable scrotum, but at least she can act

The name alone runs synonymous with words of negative grace and everything about her screams ‘corrupted’: her manner, her bedraggled hair, her clothes – regularly turning up to red carpet events in nothing but a tank top, shorts and a pair of trainers – and now it seems her relationships could be the final straw [...]

Why the well-spoken man will get more action… it’s science

What if we could all sell ourselves to the opposite sex by plainly eyeing them with a manacling stare? Eyes that burn holes, that divulge all our interests, longings, why we don’t get on with our sister, which Starbucks frapp we most prefer, all helpfully bound into one look that could do all your talking [...]

Is it time for the Shore to throw in the crusty white towel?

As Geordie Shore draws to a close and the Sambuca is stickily finished off, the fake tan is bottled up with stained palms and the ‘why aye’s and ‘hawae’s are put to bed, our newly free Tuesday nights now seem unnaturally empty. This concept, a follow-on from the successful US original Jersey Shore has come [...]

Miley Cyrus creates new buzz by seeking inspiration from council estate hedge

I can see you. Yes, you. Hid behind your sofa, crouched in an undignified squat, shivering like a Chihuahua on top of a shed. But it’s alright, I promise, come away. That’s it, come on over here, have a sit down, Miley Cyrus’s new hair isn’t that bad… well, actually, maybe you should just go [...]

Bikes are better than sex, you say?

I wonder how many men would’ve seriously watched Titanic had Kate Winslet not been sprawled, breasts flopping everywhere, wearing only that necklace, or how well-known Megan Fox would be now had she not been all arse and kumquats in the first Transformers film. Chances are their franchises wouldn’t have been half as profitable, were it [...]

Blending a couple’s two names together is not cool, it’s stupid

Right, let’s have a really cool quick-fire round of pointless questions about pointless people. Ready? Okay, who is more useless than Chantelle Houghton? A: Alex Reid. Who is more arrogant than Alex Reid? A: Kanye West. Who is more annoying than Kanye West? A: Kim Kardashian. Kudos if you got them all right, a slap [...]

The cast of TOWIE have about as much use as a rubber cutlery set…

…but they’re colourful and pretty and they bend nice.   If someone were to have told you that there’d have been a television show that followed a brain-dead cast from Essex with a collective 1Q of 4, where the topics of conversation stretched to which was closer to Brentwood: Stockport or the moon, that this [...]

The Excessive Effects of Staying Trim

Jodie Marsh, Madonna, Janice Dickinson and now, newest recruit Sarah Harding show us why we shouldn’t over-do it when it comes to exercise, and why their new lifestyle is giving us a guilt-free pass to justifiably laze on the sofa with any takeaway of our choice.   Making dens when I was a child was [...]

I’ll Have A Baby On The Rocks With A Twist, Please

We see them everyday; Stella in one hand, baby in the other, baby daddy at Jobseekers, so why are we all so shocked when we hear that the ‘former’ party girl Snooki is shacked up and preggers?   Where I live, it’s unnatural to drive down the main road and not see the tracksuit-bearing mummies, [...]

‘Well guess what yo, yo’ sex was whack’

It’s a typical dreary, mundane mid-afternoon in Manchester. The black clouds whisper sorrowful lyrics overhead and, with my flat in sight, I’m quite pleased to cut this journey short and make a move before it starts to belt it down. But this all changes, once Hurricane Katrina hits.   Okay, not the physical hurricane, but [...]