The famous line from the turbulent Ross and Rachael relationship of our favorite 90’s sitcom has long since been heard over and over again. But what does being on a ‘break’ from your relationship actually mean? And does it ever actually fix anything? If Friends is anything to go by, one person will end up banging the girl from the copy shop, and the other will encourage an innocent party to shave their head… hardly a beneficial outcome for anyone.

Despite this, those of us in relationships do often find the pressures of being on cloud 9 too much, and decide it’s time to take a breather and hang around on cloud 8 instead.

The fundamental problem with the vague ‘break’ status is that what the break actually means can vary from person to person, especially those two that were in the relationship, or are now on a break from the relationship… I’m confused already.

I fail to comprehend how anything so undefined can ever be seen as positive step in a relationship. Dating, relationships and even just sleeping with someone can be complicated and confusing enough as it is, without committing yourself to someone to then hit the pause button for an indefinite amount of time with unclear rules and boundaries.

Too some the ‘break’ means you can go out and date, snog and even bang other people whilst still having the idea of a potential reconciliation with your former beau, or your paused beau … whatever label they may now obtain during the ‘break’ status. To others the ‘break’ is simply a time to focus on oneself, start a new hobby, write a column questioning what breaks are all about… but the idea of being with anyone else is completely off the cards. This tends to be the person who ends up very hurt when they realise the other has been delving to the depths of another person.

What also occurred to me, as I am now in my third year of my final degree and the workload isn’t merely weighing me down, more so pulling me under kicking and screaming. However, no matter how hard it gets I don’t take a ‘break’ from it. I don’t kick back one day thinking I can always pick up my education, that I have invested so much time and effort in too, where I left off and expect it to be fine.

When I’m at work doing my ‘day job’ in a customer service call centre, I do not take a break when the vile customers get too much and not come in to work thinking I wont have jeopardized my job.

In life we make commitments, and those commitments should be honored and respected. If you are committed to your partner, if you don’t want them to be with anyone else, but times are getting tough- try some different and more universally consistent ways of smoothing things over. Take a day to yourself, indulge in your favorite things and hobbies. Talk through what is worrying you, both things in and outside of the relationship. If you’ve been an arsehole- bite your tongue and apologise!

I’m not saying to not give someone space,where space is needed let it be there. However, don’t duck out of your commitment to that person with a lazy, vague label like a ‘break’. Have a breather, have a think, and work through it, if they are really want you want.

I know Ross and Rachael got together again in the end, and as far as we are all aware they lived happily ever after, but it took them 7 seasons from their ‘break’ to do so… I haven’t got that much time to waste wondering, have you?

What I’m saying is; there needs to be some kind of healthy balance. This is common sense of course it goes without saying surely? But it does seem to be an obvious idea that many choose to ignore when they enter a new relationship.

I have been in my relationship for around 7 months now. And yes, I have changed.

Since I have been a spoken for woman less Friday nights are spent in alone when I’m waiting impatiently for pay day, I now have Adam there to keep me company no matter how low my bank balance gets. Weekends when I am able to go out and, quite frankly, “piss my wages up the wall” on good nights out that result in cringe worthy Facebook tags the next morning; often now involve my Boyfriend too. Or if he is off doing his own thing, at least some soppy drunken texts are exchanged between us.

Another change in my life is that for the first time ever; I have been bought flowers. My boyfriend buys me flowers, and it is simply wonderful. And as I was looking at the most recent bouquet to grace my mantle piece it got me thinking about all the things I have voluntarily changed for the sake of our blossoming relationship.

This particular bunch of flowers was brought for me over two weeks ago, and is still going strong. They sit comfortably in a makeshift wine bottle vase, and as a couple of leaves have withered, no longer benefiting the bunch, I have pruned them away to maintain the rest of the bouquet.

I believe this what we do to maintain our relationships; we prune away the aspects of our lives that no longer benefit us, thus leaving space for the relationship to flourish.

An old friend of mine however, recently pruned me out of her life. As I said earlier, it’s all about finding the balance between the old and new, and making them both work together harmoniously. Since my friend entered a new relationship, time went past and she began to ignore my phone calls, texts, Facebook comments, tweets and any other method I attempted to contact her through in this digital age. For the life of me I couldn’t think what I had done for her to behave this way. Having not even met her boyfriend in person, we had spoken and been more than polite to one another over various social network sites in an effort to befriend each other, him as her new lover and me as one of her oldest and best friends. A long story short, eventually a mutual friend told me that her boyfriend of now around a year, whom I still had never met, didn’t like me.

He had never met me, and over Facebook, Twitter and god knows what else he made up an impression of the person that I was, and chose not to like me. And since he had made such a well-rounded and well-founded judgment of me, she no longer made any effort to speak to me either. 13 years of friendship was thrown down the pan, over a change she decided to make, an unbalanced one I would say.

This old friend of mine whom I’d grown up with and admired for her sense of humor, her loyalty, her work ethic and ambition pruned me out of her life on the opinion of a man I’d never met, changed all her dreams and plans for the future, moved in with him and I haven’t seen nor heard from her since.

Whatever they are doing with their time together now, I wish them well and all the happiness in the world. I can only hope that as my relationship, like my bouquet of flowers, continues to grow, I can be a lot more sensible and balanced with my green fingers and pruning techniques and remember to not nip away the buds that have always and would always intend to flourish with me.

When I think about this man in particular, we shall call him George – because that is his name and I shall do him no kindness by trying to hide his identity. So, when I think of George, and all the others who have come and gone over the years, I cant help but wonder what is it about the dickheads that really sucks us women in?

The saying “treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen” probably has more truth to it than any other I’ve ever heard. Why is it the nastier they are to us and the more it seems like they don’t want us, the nicer we are to them and the harder we work to get them?

I remember with George, at the beginning he would even walk ahead of me in the street rather than walk beside me. Once, when I tried to kiss him in public he forcefully stopped my head and whispered in my ear “don’t you dare do that again.” Of course when he got me home he expected me on my knees satisfying him the way only I could, and yes I happily obliged, pleased to finally be able to be near him.

I want to vomit as I write this.

I can NOT believe I let a man treat me that way.

And not only that I allowed and somewhat condoned this behaviour by sleeping with him whenever he wanted, I was also madly in love with him.

So much so, that after a year or so of being apart, when I moved to the area where he went to university and we got back in touch with one another, I allowed him to reel me back in. Only for him to call me on Christmas day when we were seeing each other again, and tell me that he had slept with his ex girlfriend just days before.  With no remorse and no apologies…

Happy Christmas Kerri!

He wasn’t doing it because he felt guilty and just couldn’t not tell me, or because he thought I deserved to know. His tone of voice was one that might have suited him telling me it was raining where he was. He didn’t care. He genuinely didn’t give a shit.

After this drama I still managed to try and maintain a friendship with George as, despite the ridiculous saga that was our relationship, we had actually been ‘friends’ for around 7 years and I felt that to be more important than any of the other spiteful things he had done throughout our time of knowing one another.

But, it gets better ladies and gentlemen, despite my best efforts to ‘be the bigger person’ and put it all behind us, he proceeded to throw that back in my face as well, as though it was me who had dropped the ‘I fucked someone else’ bombshell on Christmas day and not him.

Since then, on drunken nights out I have felt as though I have missed him and that it would be a good idea to call him and tell him this, to try and build a bridge over the Kerri and George train wreck and start a new. As again, it has been 7 years. And we are surrounded by the same friendship group; it seemed the sensible and grown up way to handle the situation. Alas, George being the dickhead that he is, wearing his dickhead medal with pride, felt himself to be above such bridge building.

Now as it stands, in my love life right now, I am unconditionally happy. I am with a man who treats me right, he is kind and considerate, he makes me laugh and I adore him for all that he is. But when we first started dating I turned to my housemate and said “what if he’s TOO nice!?”

I have spent 7 years of my life battling with George, trying with all my heart to be good to him, to support him, to love him and satisfy him. All the while never once giving a second thought to the fact that he never did, nor did he ever try to do any of this for me. And now I have met a man who from day one was offering me all the above and my first concern was what if he TOO nice?! TOO NICE!?!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?

I am extremely grateful that I didn’t listen to this ridiculous worry as this NEW man, and we shall call him Adam and he deserves to be named and recognised, is simply wonderful.

I believe, that from time to time, the ‘dickhead vibes’ can draw in any woman. Like cats we all love a chase and there is nothing wrong with that! But these dickhead vibes are short lived and despite your best efforts I can tell you now, as a leopard never changes his spots, and a cheater is always a cheater, a dickhead will always have a massive dick upon his head. Better to accept the facts now and save yourself a lot of time, energy and blowjobs trying to make him like you, appreciate you and treat you the way you deserve.

Don’t waste your time trying to change a dickhead. Have your fun with them and then kick them to curb because I can assure you right around the corner will be a partner who’s beautiful forehead isn’t tarnished by carrying the weight of a massive ugly dick. And girls, he wont play horrible games, he wont take pleasure from hurting you, his mind isn’t controlled by the dick that sprouts from his skull and his vision isn’t obscured by a bellend, and he is looking for you.

Calling a girl a slag or a whore because she has had more sexual partners than a man is not okay.

Labeling a bloke a manwhore or a player just because he prefers to play the field than settle down is not acceptable.

Calling a couple boring or frigid because they chose to only ever be with one another is ridiculous.

Firstly why are we all so very concerned with what everyone else is doing with their own genitals? Really, if you think about it, our obsession with everyone else’s sex lives is somewhat perverted. And secondly, it is everyone’s own prerogative who they sleep with; where, when and how.

I have said it before and I will say it again, look after yourself and your partner (whether this be your boyfriend or the random you chose that night) in the emotional and sexual health sense, and then these labels can never relate to you.

I know this as a fact and I live my life by it. Therefore, no matter what friends or ‘frenemies’ may call me as a result of my antics, I quite frankly couldn’t care less. I know that I respect myself and the others I share my bed with, and I also know I have a bloody good time.

If I hadn’t behaved the way that I do I wouldn’t have the mind to write to you all the way I do now, and while there might be a couple of notches on my bed post that in hindsight I could have done without, I wouldn’t give up my writing on the subject for anyone or anything.

Now while I will defend males in this situation as well, we have to be honest here and admit that most prejudice is aimed towards women.

I was horrified recently to see a Facebook post of a photo of a random woman holding a sign telling the story of her rape, and how because she had had a few drinks her attacker didn’t consider it rape at all, he saw her as a drunk slag, and she was asking for it. An old school friend commented under the photo saying, “There’s a difference between raped and being a slag love, you’d do well to learn it”.

When, I ask you, did it become acceptable to call any sexually active woman a “slag”.  And PLEASE will someone tell me when it became okay to not only call a woman a slut for being dressed up and having a few drinks, but to also attack her for it?!

There is seriously something wrong with society if this is now the way the world works.

But, it isn’t only men branding women as sluts, or women calling men players. The most disheartening part of this labeling process is that we do it to each other! Maybe out of jealously, our own insecurities or just plain bitterness, women look at other women in the street and think TRAMP.

Why are we doing this to ourselves? Why are we doing this to one another? Why oh why are we so interested in other people’s personal lives and so critical to judge!? Are our own lives really that dull?

I propose this, next time you feel the need to print a tag and label someone based on their outfit choice that night, the fact you just caught them giving someone a blowjob in the loos or (on the other end of the spectrum) because they’ve only ever had the one partner, think this to yourself – maybe if you spent more time thinking about your own sex life rather than everyone else’s, you might actually have one worth talking about.

People may have seen that recently that I was snubbed in a well known national tabloid and branded a slag. The “story” that the credible and well respected tabloid presented said I had slept with 21 men, that I stole from each of them, and rather than promote my ideals of sexual equality for all, they just left it at that and let the judgments of the British public roll in….

Well I’ll tell you something honest now for free, add another 10 to that number and you might be getting close.

I remember every moment of every man and woman I have been with, and I remember them all fondly. If that makes me a whore, I am a whore and I am proud of it. People can say what they want about me, or you or anyone else for that matter. If they have the time and concern to judge us, for whatever reason, I can promise you that no matter what our situations, we’re having a better time than they are.

And my lovely readers, remember this – live your sexual life the way you see fit. DON’T BELIEVE THE HYPE.

I have not, however, written much on the idea of actually getting it right. Finding someone who isn’t an arsehole, for example, or finding someone you like enough to not cheat on them or someone who no amount of alcohol can make you argue with, rather just make you laugh hysterically with one another instead.

The above people, we are all looking for. Whether we are consciously aware of it or not, every time you make eye contact with a hot guy in a supermarket, or accidently bump into a beautiful woman in the street, we are looking and we are wondering – IS THAT THEM!? It’s exhausting. And yet while all of us may have our radar on, scanning the country for someone worth taking home to meet the parents, very few us of succeed in finding them.

Often, when we find some we think could be it, not long down the line something happens, and you both discover that actually maybe you aren’t what each other was looking for at all. It is a long and heart aching process of ups and downs, whys and hows!? Even if we’re not necessarily looking for “the one” but more so “the one (for right now)”.

But what happens, when if by a spur of random events, meetings, nights out, phone conversations, the odd Facebook stalk and cheeky tweet here and there – you find them…

What on earth are we supposed to do now?

I personally have found myself with a lot of free time on my hands.

Now, normally when my friends find a potential gooden, and the honeymoon period is well under way I tend to be the one to turn around and say things such as “keep your guard up”, “don’t get carried away now…” and all the other cynical clichés you can think of.

However, having been a little bit swept off my feet and maybe a tiny bit blown away recently myself, tonight a friend of mine said those things to me. And I have to admit; I was a little offended. It’s stupid really, as I know full well she has nothing but my best interests at heart. But my irrational smitten side that is currently reveling in the honeymoon period felt she just had such little faith in me and this new boy; the bitch.

Currently one of my best friends, who may be known for falling hard and fast in previous relationships, has also been windswept by someone who appears to be a lovely young gentlemen. We were facebook chatting with one another, and reading the conversation back I can see all the moments when normally I would have stepped in and said “woahhh chill out”, “don’t get ahead of yourself”, “I think you’re taking things too fast”. And now, I can’t help but sit and wonder if maybe, all these times before when I’ve handed over my ‘words of wisdom’ (without them being requested) did she sit there and think something along the lines of me having little faith in her relationships, and that I was a bitch? Probably. I have been known to ram my advice at my friends from time to time.

But this time round, seeing as we’re both behaving like lovesick teenagers you might see in the Twilight movie or an episode of The OC (*I want to be Summer), I decided to indulge with her. And I have to admit, letting my guard down and getting way ahead of myself whilst talking about the new boy was actually rather fun.

Maybe sometimes it’s healthier to explore the possibilities of it going right, rather than it going wrong. After all, if we always dwell on the potential negatives of a situation, surely we are setting ourselves on a path that can only lead to those negative outcomes?

The conversation went on to her referring to her new fella as a “good catch” and I threw in some cheesy metaphor of us being good fisherwomen and then it hit me, the new lesson learnt…

Maybe it is okay to over indulge in ideas of the future, the things that could happen in a relationship, the things you might see together, the places you might shag one another, the experiences you’ll share together…

“Just as long as when it gets to the point that you feel you’re falling hard for the ‘perfect’ partner, you’re always prepared with a mattress below, or trampoline if you will, so if all goes well you may lie comfortably, but if necessary you have means of bouncing back. “

You can quote me on that one.  Dobson, K., 2012., The ramblings of a young 21^st century woman.

Image courtesy of: missunfortunate.deviantart.com

The realization of what the term “fingering” actually means can be enough to confuse and often even terrify  any young teenager, so really it’s a pretty hard time for all involved. Not to mention the parents who have to put up with the irrational mood swings.

But unfortunately those young teenage years and puberty are a time of our lives we all have had to step up too and pull through.

It is from this moment on that we are bombarded with the dreaded sex education. Whether the explanation of the birds and the bees comes from an awkward conversation with your parents, or the first time you see a condom when your form tutor at school clumsily pulls one over a banana. It matters not.

We all have to learn, no matter how embarrassing it is at that young and in most cases, innocent age.

This country is, and rightly so might I add, obsessed with attempting to educate and, therefore, protect the youth of today from unwanted pregnancies and STDs.

Now, from time to time we have all “played with fire” so to speak and forgotten to use a condom;  nobody’s perfect after all. I can only hope that any of you reading this who have been in this situation proved the saying wrong and in fact were lucky enough to not get burned.

But for all its flaws, and people’s occasional mistakes, sex education does a good job overall.

Since the introduction of the subject in to the national curriculum, the majority of us know the necessary basics of safe sex. (For those of you who might need a reminder, check my article – Laws To a Healthy Happy Sex Life. Follow those and there isn’t much you can do wrong).

What we don’t seem to learn, however, is how to protect ourselves from RTD’s. Relationship Transmitted Diseases.

These are nasties that turn the sweetest, kindest and calmest woman you’ve ever met in to the psycho bitch that calls you a thousand times a day and bans events such as “LADS ON TOUR”. These infections can spread and have been known to cause symptoms of the common “Jealous Boyfriendness”, “Insecurous Paranious” and “clingyitus”. Other infections and diseases that can be caught from relationships represent the more spiteful side of the possible sicknesses. For example when the guy who once told you that you were the one, catches “coldfeet”. This ailment has been known to swiftly develop into “I’m going to ignore your calls infection” and eventually the fatal “Now I’m going to fuck someone else to sabotage this relationshipness”. It’s a sorry state of affairs to say the very least. And even more unfortunate is the fact that all of these are fully transferable to both men and women. Symptoms of all can be seen in either sex if necessary precautions aren’t taken.

Now, my first answer to this reoccurring problem would be the relationship condom. The shield between you and all the crazy and irrational behaviors that can take a hold of a person during a relationship. As it stands, while this may be a good idea in theory, I’m not sure I know anyone who fancies wondering around in a large slightly yellowy tinged piece of latex. (If you do know anyone who might be keen, however, do please let me know.)

So my second solution would be this – STEP OUT OF THE BUBBLE. AKA – The action of the METAPHORICAL Relationship Condom.

Recent breakthrough research in to RTD’s has lead scientists to believe that a catalyst for the infections to develop is what is commonly known as the “Relationship Bubble”.

Described as the feeling of routine and security, these feelings initially sound positive, but if you stay in the bubble too long you fail to see your relationship from another’s perspective, that of your partner. This bubble blindness is what stops you from realizing when one of these infections has taken a hold of you. Your partner, however, can see the symptoms in you  as clear as day, therefore causing the symptoms to intensify. As your behavior becomes more and more difficult as a result of your partner telling you you’re being a pain in the arse, the disease can then spread to them and they too will begin to behave like a total idiot.

The bubble that once felt some comfortable and wonderful to float around it is now suffocating you both.

So my advice would be this – from time to time make the effort to consciously look at yourself from outside the bubble and from another’s perspective. Replay arguments and things you might have said previously, the thoughts you might have had or actions you have taken and keep your eyes peeled for signs of these symptoms. If they are there and you honestly look hard enough, you will catch them and hopefully it won’t be too late.

Most of these infections are easily curable with a simple dose of recognition, apologies and conversation. So next time you feel it all falling apart, use your metaphorical relationship condom and take a look at yourself and your own actions. It’s all so easy to blame everyone else from your relationship problems, the real test is to take your relationship health in to your hands and take responsibility for your own RTD’s.

A long and stable relationship can feel as comfortable as those gurney conversations you have with complete strangers as though you’ve known them forever.

And NOTHING is better than the drug induced dancing like no one is watching, so for the sake of the blog we shall compare this one of the finest parts of a relationship – regular, and if you’re with the right person, mind blowing sex.

However, the break up process… what an absolute mission! Whether you are the unfortunate dumpee or the one throwing out the trash, one thing is for certain – it’s never going to be easy.

Break ups tend to involve an array of the most delightfully awful emotions. Usually on offer is heartache, jealousy, despair, hurt and humiliation, and if you’re really unlucky sometimes a bit of paranoia and anxiety is on the cards too.

But if going through all this wasn’t enough, the new(ish) social networking obsession has given our generation another aspect of the break up to contend with – the dreaded Facebook relationship status change.

Your friends can publically express their concern on the matter in such heart-felt and personal ways as “Hope ur ok babez xxx” “ <3 “ and my personal favorite “ “:o DISLIKE” A shocked smiley followed by caps lock for EMPHASIS, obviously.

But whatever dramas lead to your break up – maybe arguments, cheating, lying, manipulation – it could be considered somewhat tragic that we then have to go home, log on and physically click a button to announce to the world that you messed it up, again. That he/she cheated again. That it got boring again, and so on and so forth.

There is something heart wrenchingly uncomfortable about scrolling that status from “in a relationship” down to “single”, especially if you had your partner’s name linked to it and you can watch their name along with the little picture of their face vanish from your wall without even leaving a trace.

It’s pathetic right? It’s just a website right? How much does Facebook really matter anyway? Well, apparently these days rather a lot. We now live in a world where social networkers, bloggers, and tweeters dominate and the suggestive request of “Find me on facebook?” has replaced “Call me?”

But maybe, Facebook is actually onto something here? If the relationship comparison is being high, and the break up is the come-down, then maybe that ‘pathetic’ little relationship status change could be the answer?

While it can feel unusually painful to watch the demise of your relationship defined by something as simple as a click of a button and scroll of a mouse, maybe that is what is so fantastic about it? The fact that it is just so very simple.

Maybe the relationship buzz would be worth it if the break up come-down could be as easy and quick as a click of a button.