How a Hum-Ha Bloke Made You Weak At The Knees

David Walliams and Lara StoneIt’s easy to be complacent, going through the motions, saying ‘yes’ and ‘no’ to things, ‘this will do, that won’t do’. We do it all the time; on those dank Friday evenings when the buses are all late you say ‘oh, go on’ to a taxi and knock your arm up. In the middle of Sainsbury’s, the Hagen Daz is buy two get one free, and three unconsciously topple into your basket as you move onto the next section. It really is that simple to make a quick decision. Having said this, maybe this theme is not so applicable when making snap judgements about men.


It is somewhat true that a man is only as good as what he wears, and who he wears with it. When I say this I’m talking about all those guys that were okay-ish when you first met them, you saw them as ‘just a friend’, and then, seemingly out of nowhere, he rolls up out of the blue with a bedazzling girlfriend on his arm and suddenly he goes from ‘who?’ to ‘where have you been all my life?’


It may seem fickle to consider that a faculty as individualistic as sight can be manipulated by how others see the same person and, ultimately, wanting what you can’t have, but we are a culture moulded by others and finding certain men appealing is no exception. Take David Walliams for instance. Not exactly the juiciest cherry on the tree at first, second, or even third acknowledgement (I’m sure you’ll agree), and then what does he do? Appears out of the woodwork with Lara Stone, Dutch supermodel who was deemed one of the sexiest models and ranked world’s number one fashion model by So, beauty, sexiness and success… with a Walliams? Really? Surely we missed something. And then you flip the pages of the magazine and see that, oh yes, Stone has a rock on her finger the size of Jupiter and you re-evaluate… perhaps I did judge too quickly… I suppose he does have nice teeth, his jumpers aren’t bad either… I don’t think I’d mind too much if he dressed up as lady now. Odd considering this is the same man you didn’t think twice about being attractive two minutes ago, but hey ho, if he’s bagged himself a hottie then I must be the one in the wrong.


The same goes for social junkie and bad-boy walking beehive to Hollywood lothario, Russell Brand. He wasn’t much before, just a loud-mouthed Essex boy with a lot of time on his hands and getting his arse out the vast majority of the time ‘cause it’s ‘hilare’ (sound familiar?). Oh wait, hello there Katy Perry, FHM’s runner-up for ‘sexiest female’ and pin-up for teenage boys everywhere and now we’re suddenly paying more attention to our ole’ Brand because, of course, we knew we found him attractive all along, we were just waiting for the right time to bring it up. Yep, that was why. It was! Yeah, yeah, whatever, his dirt, lime and grime is nothing more than temporarily tranquilised by the power of the Perry colourfully bestowed upon his lapel.


I suppose if you’re not entirely convinced with this theory, take a second look at Brand post-divorce and see if he’s actually that hot and exciting, or whether he’s just a bit of a, dare I say it, Average Joe. Try it out for yourself, and when a guy whom you proclaim is only a ‘friend’ gets a gorgeous girlfriend, don’t start moping because you wanted him first, just acknowledge the fact that you’re greedy like the rest of us  and move on. If you didn’t go for him in the first place, you probably never really wanted him at all anyway. Otherwise you might end up with a Michael Douglas to your Zeta-Jones; surely that fact alone is enough to put you off doing this ever, whilst simultaneously putting you off men for life, diminishing any appetite you had for Douglas-looking dried bran cereals, and causing you to have a terrible night’s sleep, taking you to a world where no matter where you go, you’ll always be looking for Mr Right in someone else’s boyfriend.


Every girl will be your greatest enemy. Welcome to reality, crème puff.