More of a Steve Brookstein than a Britney

Kerry KatonaIt actually hurts me to draw even more attention to the leech that is literally sucking the life out of the word ‘celebrity’, but Kerry Katona has to be the worst person in the world. For years I’ve been finding it difficult to come to terms with how people still care about whatever she has done with her life, and why they haven’t axed her off our televisions or magazine covers yet, like an exhausted Big Brother contestant, or a gratingly sickly-sweet X Factor contestant.


The other day I referred to her, only to describe my fickle fluctuations to a friend about how long I spent at the gym, which was then shortly followed by me gorging on a dozen Windy City Bakery doughnuts. I understand that I am a legitimate mess, that much I know, but I’m not going to tell the world about it, never mind glorifying it in a documentary about My Pitiful Life.


Kerry recently said to Now! Magazine, ‘People have said I’m like the British version of Britney’.


Now, before I move on, can I please have a moment of silence and leave space for a deep breath and a pause to recollect myself?


Okay, who on earth would say that? Britney, although she may not be the world’s greatest singer, at least she does a damned good lip-sync, which trumps Katona’s achievements by about x900. I don’t understand how we can sit back and let someone like this become so deluded, to the point where when we come across one of these stories we’ll just sigh, looking acceptingly at one another, shrug our shoulders and say with a knowing smile, ‘Well, it’s just what Kerry does’.


She then went on to say how she ‘[doesn’t] know why [she] was called Britney, but at least I never shaved my head!’ Of course, if Kerry’s failed attempts at making people care about her is anything to go by she’ll probably have a crew cut by the end of the month, with a newly purchased umbrella in hand, ready for those oh-so annoying paparazzi to catch her in this harrowing ordeal. She’ll shield her face, tell them to fdvk off, followed by a 50 minute E! interview, where she slyly promotes her new fitness video and says some cruel things about good people.


Amy ChildsIt doesn’t even seem like Katona is the only one to delude herself with laughable comparisons, with Amy Childs also recently comparing herself to Whitney Houston, just another nobody paddling on the discarded left-overs of Houston’s untimely death, stating how she could ‘sympathise’ with her about being led down a bad path by fame. Amy, you will never reach the greatness of Houston, and Kerry, you will probably gain about as much success as a discarded packet of cheese and onion crisps, let alone the greatness that was, and is, Britney.


Before reality shows where people relieved their boredom by propelling themselves into the lime-light for 5 seconds or where past-celebs clutched onto their fame, one desperate pixel at a time, there was a notion of ‘celebrity’ that  couldn’t be tampered with. Think Audrey Hepburn, Diana Ross… I even think Michael Barrymore has more credibility than Katona, and that’s like comparing a broken biscuit to a soggy glob of toilet roll.


To me, Katona should’ve just been another flash-in-the-pan pop-star and disappeared peacefully under the radar with her other Atomic Kitten bandmates, but no, years and years down the line and she is still on our radar. I just hope that one day we all wake up, come to our senses and refer to her only in the form a punchline, merrily guffawing over her silly, silly self. We’ll giggle away, recalling for about 3 seconds this blonde woman who reminded us of Vanessa Feltz, and then we’ll move on, into our world where things matter, shaking these lasting memories of this woman from our memory whilst politely asking Brian to pass the potatoes. Oh how we will laugh…



  1. Saz Cassidy says:

    Great article! Loving the comparison between Katona and a discarded packet of cheese and onion crisps.

  2. LoveSceneMag says:

    Such a funny article and so true. Jade Goody was another one. Yes, Saz, that comparison is hilarious.