Throwing burning torches at large houses and lavish lifestyles because it will never be yours

Adam LevineIt’s so difficult to pity those with endless supplies of dough at their disposal. Yes, I am jealous, and so are you probably. Because we’re all after that extra bit of money. Oh the things we could get up to with it… maybe use it on a mini splurge, get yourself a new winter coat you’ve been needing, or even just an unadulterated trip to M&S rather than Asda, as pathetic as it sounds. Money really does make the world go round and it makes us all a whole lot chipper. But there are some people that really do take the piss with it.


They should be like Cheshire cats, their faces should split through exhausting grins at their bank account. They should shake peoples’ hands in the street in between merry skips that pour £50 notes out from their belt buckle. Basically, undutifully pleased with themselves. And it isn’t fair.


Take Adam Levine, for instance. Mr Bojangles himself has reportedly splashed $4.83 million on a mansion in Beverly Hills. At a pretty 7,000 square feet it might just fit in his ego – but only just – with four acres of land to boot. With the residents being only Levine and his prospective girlfriend, we can assume they have a lot of running around space in that hollow globe of a house. But who really needs it all?


An empty shell, a void behind windows and doors, there’s not much to get excited about, apart from perhaps standing at a dinner party with all your adoring followers, chortling over glasses of champagne about how many African children this box could potentially shelter. But it doesn’t. Because their wealth doesn’t quite go as far as helping others, GAWD. This is before spitting out their canapé and throwing a diamond shoe at a waiter. That has to be the only feasible excuse for such gluttonous expenditure. So, is this it? Is this our happiness? That it can only really come at the end of a signed letting agreement?


With all due respect, everyone does long for a lustful house, one with space in its droves, a nice white picket fence, plush carpets, the lot. Good enough to invite your boss over for tea so he can marvel at your ornamental trinkets. All that crap. That is understandable – a reflection of all your hard work manifested into your living space. But what these celebrities don’t get is necessity. I mean, when has it ever been necessary to have a bowling alley next to your living room? Just pop down the road, give a couple of quid to the dirty man behind the desk and you’re good. Second-hand boat shoes hired, the experience of a lifetime. Privatising such a social exercise is ultimately crucifying the purpose of it anyway, and will probably therefore never get used. On MTV Cribs, you’ll see the host guiding the camera about the room, informing the viewer ‘… but we never use this room’. This is a room that probably cost the same amount as your entire family’s yearly wages put together. Either make the effort to give a shit about the money you (unjustly) earn, or jog on and do something better with your greediness.


Of course this is an article told through gritted teeth, every word being spat out whilst turning a deep shade of green because IT’S NOT FAIR. We all know it, that’s why we’re sad most of the time. Self-improvement, blahdy, blah, blah. But it’s life, and Levine has bought a house he doesn’t need, with money he doesn’t deserve. The only thing that might salvage this situation is someone donating a large house to me. YES. But only a few bedrooms, my ego isn’t nearly as burgeoning as old Adam’s. I expect the offers to come pouring in. I’ll send you all a postcard.


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1 Comment

  1. Schner says:

    This is good; i enjoyed it.