Just a pawn in the Great Game…?

Pawn in a Game

I’m dating. I want to find romance and fun and friendship and passion and excitement and all that jazz. I want happiness.  I want pleasure.  I want to be on a deserted beach with him, laughing and feeling the warmth of the sun and the warmth of our emotions.  I want to fall asleep on his chest.  I want him to hold me after I come, let me savour the moment, and feel close to him.  Whoever ‘he’ may transpire to be.  I want it all.

But dating is hard – literally. Hope, anticipation, rejection, and disappointment.  And frustrated desires…in every sense.  You start something, start to get to know someone, let the walls come slowly and cautiously down, start to envisage what it could be.  For what is the point if not shared dreams, hopes and future plans of great times as well as enjoying the here and now?  Yet my problem is, once said prince has scaled the walls of the terrifying tar-dripping tower, proved his valour and his worth, I get a little bit imagination-happy.  And so, when I don’t hear from him, especially after getting close physically, I start to feel a little bit used, unsexy and generally quite stupid.  Which makes me cross with myself for being such a bloody ‘girl’ about it.  I’m an adult.  I know how all this modern life works.  But still…..

Multi-dating is tiring.  Not only is it all the actual time spent on the date, its the preparation, the depilation, the washing of your best lingerie (just in case – never planning to get naked with him) the texting, the flirting, the trying to remember which one took you where and what you wore and what you talked about.  Despite numerous assurances from multiple sources, male female straight gay and other, I feel like I am cheating on….. I have no idea on.  Am I cheating on myself?  Could I potentially ruin it with ‘the one’ if he learns I am taking it slowly and trying not to get hurt?  almost at the point of making the decision about the one I want.  But …… then I don’t hear from him for a day and I think he’s pulling away.  And then another one contacts me.  So, should I let him know he is in the lead, or should I not allude to the existence of other gentlemen?

Part of me thinks it would just be easier to reinstate the role of fuck buddy into my life.  Mutual satisfaction, guaranteed pleasure, and none of the emotional rollercoaster associated with this crazy dance called …. oh fuck knows what we are calling it.   Sex is the most natural thing in the world.  It keeps the earth moving – in every sense. It should be so simple.  So why am I so confused?! And why won’t my iPhone recognise the words clit and fuck?! All I know is, I’d really love a sign right now to help me know what I am doing.  My friend’s theory is that the cosmos is telling me to have fun, don’t rush, let it all play out naturally. That there is some cosmic battle between my Trojan knights fighting in the stars over my fair heart.   But I never was a great chess player – and I’m certainly not into pawn.  The thing that scares me, is thinking that by trying to ensure I don’t get played, maybe I am playing them.  Decent guys, who I know don’t deserve to be hurt.  But then, maybe they want the chase and the competition? All I know is, I really don’t understand men.