Lying to Impress

lyingMost of us have done it at one time or another. Whether it be during a job interview (“I’m so interested in moving up within your company Mr Starbucks”)  or to make your last holiday sound so much more amazing than it was (really it was just a mess of airport delays and food poisoning wasn’t it?) Lying to impress! What a wonderful invention! A little white lie here and there! We’ve said it and it’s forgotten, no damage done! BUT (and there always is a but – a very good piece of advice right there girls) beware! It will come back to bite you embarassingly on the arse.

Now, lying to impress is mostly employed by the singleton to nab a nice new playmate. This is most perilous. Set the scene: relatively busy bar, dim mood lighting, cocktails are a-flowing. You’re out on a date with a gorgeous Ryan Gosling-a-like. He’s sporty, he’s intellectual, if he winks at you your knickers might just fall off right then and there. He’s a keeper! You want to take him home and keep him forever and ever amen. Mr Gosling-a-like buys you your favourite cocktail and begins telling you about his latest travels to teach under-privileged children with no shoes in the Himalayas.

“Oh my gosh, that’s sooo amazing! I didn’t go to the Himalayas, but I totally went to the Andes to teach poor kids last year. So much in common!” you say. Easy blag. You’ve read enough NatGeo to know about mountains and poor kids. He’s interested in what you’re saying. No matter that you don’t know which continent the Andes are on!

Conversation moves on to travelling in Europe. Ok, easy ground, you’ve visited plenty of places in Europe. Time to tell the truth now, we can talk about the Louvre in Paris and the gondolas in Venice and…what? What did he just say? He’s more interested in the dangerously impoverished areas of Romania? “How funny! I love Romania! My mum’s Romanian actually, I’ve visited every year” oh God, why are you saying this? You can’t stop! Your mum’s from Romford, not Romania! Panic! Well, actually…they both start with ‘Rom’… I can get away with that…and before you know it…THIS happens…

“Ice climbing? The best thing. I do it whenever I can…”

“I totally do the Queen’s hair. I’m her personal stylist. That coife doesn’t come naturally you know!”

“Oh My Actual God, no way you love 18th Century Dutch realist art! Who’s my favourite artist of the time? Oh well…I just can’t choose…”

“Oh, and rugby, I play professionally actually…”

You’re out of control! Before you know it, you’re the daughter of Eastern European political prisoners, you play professional rugby for England’s female rugby team, best pals with the Queen, absolutely ADORE Gerard van Spaendonck (whoever that is) and go ice climbing in Never Never Land with Santa every weekend.

But what if you get past the second date? And he wants to come to one of your rugby games? Or come to tea with the Queen? How can you tell him that actually you’re just a receptionist from Romford who enjoys filthy jokes and the occassional half-hearted tennis match in the summer? You couldn’t possibly build a relationship with someone based on lies. How about that sub-plot of “27 Dresses” where the sister’s fiance thinks the woman he’s about to marry is a vegetarian hiker? When in fact she’s a rib-munching bimbo who lives in stilettos? So think before you open your mouth. Let him like you, not a projection of your imagination.

“I speak French. I’m fluent. I got a AA*** in my GCSE French actually. Yeah, it’s a real grade! Google it if you want! Only like, one person every decade gets that good a grade, that’s why you’ve never heard of it. I know! I know right?! What? You’re French? Oh…erm….”