Men that are in relationships with women and dislike women and like to moan about women shouldn’t be allowed to speak

couple disagreementMen and women – they’re two different species aren’t they? Men are always right, and women are always wrong. That’s how it goes, isn’t it? It’s how we’ve been taught, there’s even books on it, crafted by some well-to-do 19th century writers that stared at their groin and demanded it crystallised. Well, I’ve got news for these people, there’s such a thing as a vajazzle, and we are special.


I recently read something that claimed to be a ‘world newspaper’ so, thinking it would be useful information that would leave me feeling gratified, I took a chance and licked the cusp of Earth’s small print. But what I came across was frightening; I got a nose bleed and everything. Rushed to hospital, the lot. A bad case of delirium, they said. Because what I came across was a piece that must have been resurrected from the Stone Age, something so incredibly one-minded that I began to ponder if females were just a figure of my imagination. The article had no legs.


The dim-witted square that wrote it had probably just balanced the crown on his member before spewing his woolly mammoth theory to the world. He writes, and I paraphrase, ‘Women deprive their men of sex in an attempt to punish them’. Yes, they also string their private parts up with cotton wool and strum it to the biblical readings of the Holy Trinity. There’s nothing worse than a man thinking they’re worth something, and us ‘restricting’ sex from them is of course just because we want to destroy them emotionally. We don’t sit behind creepy beaded curtains, fondling ourselves and chortling because this is just what we wanted. No, we don’t give them sex because we’re NOT CONSTANTLY SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED. If anything, this is not a punishment for them, but a punishment for us. Perhaps they should be more attractive, then maybe we wouldn’t want to push them off us in bed or lock the door when we get changed.


He also writes, ‘Some women want all the spare time of their men to be devoted to them only’ before going on to state, ‘Women must not behave like proprietresses’. Very true, and maybe men should stop being such arseholes. Deal? But seriously, are women really the only ones craving all the attention? As species go, it’s the males that tend to fill this most categorically. Men, as protectors, like to keep their ‘ownings’ in check, they love having time ‘devoted to them only’ and love devoting their own time, it’s called a relationship. I’m unsure how many relationships would prosper were they to completely ignore one another, coughing over the other when they spoke and saying ‘talk to the hand’ like a dad at a disco in order to not seem like a ‘proprietor’, a relationship so completely devout it wants to pretend it doesn’t exist.


But there’s nothing like a good conversation to spur on a working relationship, right? Wrong. The rest of the article spews, ‘women employ the ‘What are you thinking about?’ speech code […] It is no good for women to employ the speech code in relations with men’. Perhaps, but only because women expect, I don’t know, a little depth, a shard of complexity, something other than a grunt about the football or a raised eyebrow at Top Gear? Excuse us for thinking the male mind reaches further than the bottom of a bag of chips. Once again it’s us that are the culprits.


And, as much as I’d like to care what this guy has to say – seeing as it’s from a man’s point of view and he’s saying what men don’t like – it probably affects me as much as if he doused me in gravy and tried to set me alight. Nothing would happen – he’d expect flames, get nothing and sod off. So, to anyone else thinking that all women are silly proprietresses that like to poke men with a stick, I suggest you go sit in a corner, eat a pork pie, touch yourselves or something, because you do everything wrong, you don’t even breathe properly. It’s the other way.