Halloween is all about horror and fear, ghosts, witches, vampires and according to the Sun; Katie Price wearing small pieces of PVC that vaguely resemble an official uniform. But here at LoveScene, and in my lively imagination, Halloween is all about that classic brand of fireside tale; the dating horror story.
Here I have three spine-chilling, blood-curdling tales of dating terror to make all of you quiver in your undoubtedly stylish boots. BEWARE! This is not for the faint-hearted…
- Once upon a time in a fashionable district of London there was a beautiful young lad named Allen. He’d very recently moved to the big city for all of its glitzy lights and streets of gold, with just the clothes he was wearing and a suitcase full of dreams (that may or may not be a slight exaggeration, but anyway…) Not long had he been in the Big Smoke when he spotted a rather beautiful boy across a crowded room. Their eyes connected. Their hearts beat in unison. Their…yeah, yeah, you know where I’m going with this. Numbers were exchanged and a couple of days later the two met for a lunch date. Breathless and flustered, the date arrived hurriedly explaining he’d been pick-pocketed on his journey to meet Allen and had no way of paying. Worried and kind-hearted, Allen offered to pay for their lunch – what a gent! (I’ll forward-wind the actual lunch as this went well). “Bill please!” Allen smiled to the waiter. The bill came. The credit card made an appearance. Declined. Try again. Declined. Oh…er…(tension’s starting to build now; can’t you feel it?) After third time unlucky, our poor hero phones the bank. Sorry sir, you’ve reached your overdraught limit. Panic and chaos ensue! Allen leaves his date at the table while he runs to the bank. Queue. More queuing. Bloody city workers doing their banking in their break! Finally he gets to the front of the line and after a bit of a fuss and a lot of the computer saying no, Allen gets his overdraught extended *hooray!* He gets back to the restaurant where his date’s been waiting for over an hour and pays for their (really quite over-priced) meal. And they end up in a long-term relationship. A happy (and slightly disappointing) ending! Don’t get used to it though dear readers…
- Delores worked in a fancy restaurant where only the rich ate. And where the poor saved up to eat to impress their high-maintenance girlfriends (who are also really out of their league). Our Delores was a pretty girl with high hopes for a future in show business. But for the moment she had to pay her rent by serving people and had to buy her weekly own-brand food shop with her insultingly small tips. Life had been looking up for her lately though, as a very hunky man had taken her out on two impossibly romantic dates and tonight, after her shift, he was taking her on date number three (we all know what that means, wahey). Only three hours left of her shift and counting when in walks an impossibly fit man with a tall gorgeous model on his arm. Who is it? You can’t possibly have guessed by now! Yes! It’s her date! He sees Delores. She sees him. She sees the ‘fight or flight’ flash across his eyes. But he doesn’t fight or fly, he simply sits down with his date, right in her serving zone. She’s forced to serve them their extravagantly expensive meal and give five star customer service while all the while they’re licking each other’s faces and playing footsie under the table. Needless to say, date number three never happened. But never mind, he was the kind of customer who had to save up to eat there. That b**** will have bled him dry by the time you’ve read this story.
- My last story concerns online dating (a horror in its own right if you ask me!) The poor soul involved in this scream-inducing snippet is called Abbie and was just an average-looking girl looking for love. She struggled in the real world, so she took to that miracle of miracles; the internet. She was soon swamped with messages from online men. But only five of the hundreds of messages were clean enough to read all the way through, and only one of the men looked remotely normal. And was actually quite nice. They began to chat. He said he liked her smile, she said she liked his hair. The relationship moved on to texting, then it got even more serious with phone calls. She was in love! She loved him! He loved her! Oh bliss and joy! It had gotten so serious that they decided to meet (the last step before marriage of course, the first meeting). The only problem was that she lived here in the UK and he lived in Malta. Well, never mind – an excuse for a holiday! She booked her ticket, flew out and there he was at arrivals, looking…erm…lovely? Not quite so good looking as in the photos let’s say. Ok, I’m being nice. He was ugly AS! Well, kind-hearted Abbie gave him the benefit of the doubt and he took her back to his house. He didn’t try it on with her, he didn’t even say a word to her, but every night when she was in her bedroom, he’d lock her in. After four days, she decided that was it; she had to leave. In the middle of the night she made a grand escape out of her bedroom window using only cellotape and a few pairs of tights (she was a very resourceful girl, our Abbie) before legging it to the airport to camp out until the first flight out of there!
Phew! My heart’s racing! How glad am I that I’m not on the dating scene any more?!
But before I go, here’s a quick one for the boys. It’s only a couple of sentences, but that’s all it’s going to take before they break out in a sweat. When I lived in Thailand, I was at a club with a few friends, dancing, laughing, having a good time. A certain lovely lad I know saw a stunning girl at the bar and chatted her up. He invited her back to his apartment, she said yes please. I heard the screams from his apartment that night. They were the screams of a man whose dreams were shattered when he realised the stunning girl from the bar wasn’t a girl at all, but (yeah, you got it) a ladyboy!