Us modern-day Brits are an open bunch. We talk about everything from our vajazzles to who we woke up next to last Saturday morning. Talking about the weirdest bedroom antics isn’t off limits at the office water cooler and even grannies seem to be ditching Agatha Christie for a spot of Fifty Shades at bedtime. There are no taboos left, right? Wrong! There is one last taboo in our forward thinking society and that is the weird crush. And I’m about to break the silence.
Phrase: ‘Weird Crush’
Definition: ‘an infatuation with a person who is not your usual type or is below your level of attractiveness’
The science behind this anomaly is unknown to this day. Psychologists agree that people are attracted to others on the same level of physical attractiveness as themselves, while scientists agree that we choose the best partner for making babies and providing for family life in the future. So it seems that fancying someone out of the ordinary is some kind of subconscious rebellion against the normally rigid laws of attraction and genetics.
I have no doubt that every person has had at least one weird crush in their life, usually in their rebellious teenage years. Others (like me who lead generally awkward lives) have had more than their fair share. There are two types of this phenomenon, the first being the crush that no one but yourself knows about as you have realised it is extremely awkward. This need not be discussed as it is a private affair that no one takes action on, and therefore presents no danger. The second type is the most severe type of the ‘weird crush’ and that is when you don’t realise the object of your desire is a total oddball/has a curious smell you can’t quite put your finger on/is not at all easy on the eyes. With the second type of strange infatuation, you go around telling all of your friends and acquaintances about your new found love, how you’re going to ask him out and you’ll get married in a June wedding and have two kids. You do this without realising your liking of this guy is totally freaky and makes you look like a psycho, and by association; a weirdo. Worst case scenario is that you take action on your misplaced feelings while your friends and loved ones watch with the same fascination as passing drivers watching the aftermath of a car wreck, the ghouls!
Here are some of the phrases you may say if you have a severe case of the awkward crush:
“He’s not weird, he’s quirky. It’s cute!”
“Maybe he’s not classically handsome, but there’s just something about him…”
“He’s just had a long physically demanding day working in the Warhammer shop; he doesn’t always smell that way”
There is no way of knowing if you’re in the grips of a strange love unless someone tells you, in which case you probably wouldn’t believe them anyway. But soon my dear ladies, you’ll be so blinded by love that you’ll walk right into some reality and your rose-tinted glasses will be knocked off. Hey, who’s that weirdo? Ugh, what is that smell?! Oh right, it’s the guy you’ve been raving about for the last month or so. Suddenly you realise that he always smells like that (and it smells like dog food and pee), damn he’s offending my eyes! And working in a Warhammer shop doesn’t really count as a job at all. He’s just getting paid to play with toys. Let the searing heat of embarrassment commence! There’s not really any advice I can give on how to deal with the jokes and little digs you’ll get from your friends and loved ones in the time after it’s dawned that he’s freaky. All you can do is plough through it all and think that it will all blow over soon.
What worries me is that thousands of women in the world today have a shared weird crush. It truly is a wide-spread delusion. They all think Simon Cowell is attractive.