I greatly insulted my boyfriend yesterday. Rightly so I suspect. It was Facebook yet again, which may be one of the 21st century’s most evil inventions; turning women across the globe into crazed, photo-obsessed stalker-holics.
It was mid-stalk that an image of my ex-boyfriend popped up with a new girl in his profile picture. A beautiful, blonde babe of a new girl, with mermaid hair and skin the colour of soft, winter snow. Okay, okay so actually the photo was slightly out of focus, but even in low-pixel, new girl was without a shadow of a doubt, an absolute stunner. I was, of course, immediately put out. My boyfriend, of course, questioned why I was put out. Fair question really. I absolutely shouldn’t have let out the short shriek of disappointment that the new girl was pretty and I definitely shouldn’t have exclaimed my grief that she was super-model material. My female friends would understand completely – no one wants to feel like the uglier ex-girlfriend (with significantly less shiny hair – mermaid girl actually radiated sunlight off her follicles) but in front of the new man in my life, I most definitely should have kept my mouth shut.
It goes without saying that new man (let’s call him The Boy) should also learn to shut his mouth from time to time. Men are inherently worse at putting their foot in it; that’s probably a medical fact – it’ll be in a journal about X and Y chromosomes somewhere for sure. In fact, I’m currently sitting on the opposite couch (yes the opposite one which means it must be bad) because The Boy has greatly offended me. He insulted my writing skills by reading a potential LoveScene article and mocked it profusely. Granted it was a chronically bad article but like I told him, men do not get the subtleties of creative writing – also another medically-backed fact. I hit the delete button, switched sofas and will give him the ever-pointless silent treatment for, oh I don’t know, another ten minutes should be sufficient. Little does he know that he’s fuelled some great copy for this article. The moral of this story is that The Boy should have kept his mouth shut. If it wasn’t for his brutal honesty, I’d still be sitting on the comfier couch, closer to the chocolate.
Honesty in a relationship can be a great thing but ultimately, shutting up and keeping shtum is a whole lot better. I’d probably have kept a few other boyfriends for longer if I hadn’t made so many outrageous statements, such as – ‘ I’m not sure humans are meant to be monogamous’ and ‘it’s perfectly healthy to fancy loads of other people when you’re in a relationship.’ I bet beautiful mermaid girlfriend never comes out with such offensive declarations.
To conclude, honest words should be treated like profanities – yes, sometimes difficult to avoid and sometimes very enjoyable to use but for the most part honesty, like swearing, is offensive and unnecessary.
Learning when to shut your mouth is a very difficult skill to acquire and not one that can be learnt overnight, however, over time we will start to mimic the deceiving words of every wise woman before us; if I had a pound for every time my own mother said to me ‘don’t tell your dad’ I’d be a multi-millionaire, with my own private yacht and a private masseuse called Stefan who would visit me every day by the pool – might keep that one to myself as well.