Why the well-spoken man will get more action… it’s science

Hugh GrantWhat if we could all sell ourselves to the opposite sex by plainly eyeing them with a manacling stare? Eyes that burn holes, that divulge all our interests, longings, why we don’t get on with our sister, which Starbucks frapp we most prefer, all helpfully bound into one look that could do all your talking for you? It could be love at first sight, or it could give rise to a restraining order. The fact of the matter is, we are not wholly attracted by looks alone – no matter how shallow we may be – and perhaps even sometimes the personality itself isn’t selling you 100% like you hoped it might. Perhaps we’d need that gorgeous guy over there to come over and whisper high-pitched, squeaky nothings into your ear for you to properly get the picture.


Of course, all women have different types and expectations – such being the automatic checklist that wreaks havoc on most poor pedestrianized males – and has been known to cause many a strong well-endowed man to pull out and wave the white flag, claiming they ‘just don’t get women’ before pouring protein powder into their eyes to mask the tears. ‘Mate, what are you crying for?’ ‘Dandruff, mate’, ‘Ah alright then’. But a lovely little well-pronounced twang can send a girl to succumb to slush-puppy status. Seriously.


A smart man is usually a successful man, and that is probably one of the most credible qualities a woman will look for in a prospective husband. Who wants a man who can’t spoil you with goodies and take you out to fancy restaurants on a weekly basis? GAWD. And what’s more ‘together’ than a well-spoken bloke? Men such as Robert Pattinson exemplify that crisp Standard English which Americans aim to emulate in sitcoms, making about as much a botch job of it as Kourtney Kardashian’s mother. It’s these sorts of men that give a good name to the ‘traditional British gentleman’, defining the men themselves as having high social status, wealth, pride, intelligence, good manners, a promise of accomplishment and confidence – all accolades enough to send women spasming on the carpet, arms and legs in the air like a stuffed squirrel. Their hearts are melting! This wasn’t supposed to happen!!


But it has, you chipper gents. And unlike other credentials, this is not one that can be forced, or put on without sounding like a shifty Keanu Reeves in Much Ado About Nothing. Instead, a tenderised speaker will evoke elements far further than just a clean jacket or a shiny pair of shoes ever could. The attention the well-spoken man will give to the curves of every syllable, every initial ‘h’ and each final ‘ng’, he’ll caress each note like it’s a baby at the bottom of a canvas bag and strip-tease each sound to its bare beauty. He’ll make love to each word which passes his lips in the same way you hope he’ll treat you, showering you with as much gentle adoration. He won’t take you to Burger King for a first date, or spit in the street. He’ll be unlike all the poor broken-speak men of old that never had this much charisma in just one breath. His calm disposition teaches that he’s not going to be a hothead father to your prospective children, or an abusive lay-about husband (yes – we do read this much into everything). His voice is like one of those sultry, distinct fragrances that, once prosed, lingers like a cool untouchable presence in the room.


Respectively, if the well-spoken charmer doesn’t quite take your fancy and my garbled hyperbolics haven’t quite worked then you’re probably looking for something a little more rough-edged, a little more prickly. Someone with a little bit more of a ‘bad boy’ image that won’t have to do much speaking, if you know what I mean. But the Great Articulator can be a bit of a rogue, like the cute new puppy that, after playfully licking your face, craps in your hands. Well… you catch my drift. Take Jude Law for instance, stylised as the British ‘playboy’ of the times, Law was known for his sexual exploits, and after the release of ‘Alfie’, he firmly reserved a place in most oestrogen-filled beings as that detestably handsome lothario, on and off the screen. And despite his rough and tumble ways, once his mouth opens he becomes an apparition of allure, a figure of finesse, and we forgive him for being bad. We pat him on the head, tell him he’s done wrong, whilst trying to give him a reproachful stare through heart-shaped eyes. He has us hooked! It’s as simple as that.


And even though most men are not Jude Law, or Rob Pattinson, and most are not well-to-do British gentlemen, a nice voice does go down a treat. Imagine who they’re going to choose to do the voiceover for 50 Shades when it’s released in film. Hugh Grant? Tom Brady? MY GOD WOMEN, stop performing those undignified shapes against your bedside lamp, you filthy lot. But until that happens, let’s just imagine Jude Law reading from the back of a cereal pack. No artificial flavours, you say? Show me to the bedroom, stat.


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