A User’s Manual To Fashion No No’s

Kate Middleton - JubileeDisclaimer: this fashion article is, in some respects, an anti-fashion article. I’m going to be talking about the clothing I personally find less than desirable. And you may disagree, but in the midst of all the Jubilee debauchery of who wore what and who, and the ever so vital debate about whether or not Kate only owns one pair of shoes, I thought I would talk about the clothes that keep sticking around that I literally cannot stick.


The first atrocity I’d like to draw your attention to is leggings. There are no words capable enough to describe how strongly I dislike leggings. They appear every season in some malfunction or another. In winter especially, paired with another of my least favourite items; the seemingly immovable UGG boot. The worst incarnation of these is, of course, the saggy crotch combo, usually accompanied by a top half that fails to cover any fraction of the derrière. If you’re craving a super slim fit around the ankles, try some Capri pants or slim-fit chinos. Generally anything opaque is a good bet.


Next in the firing line are hot pants. It’s very easy to work out whether you should be wearing these. Are you Miranda Kerr? Yes, then carry on. No, then take the offending garment off immediately.  It doesn’t matter how distressed and ‘vintage’ those Levi shorts are, no one needs or in fact, wants, to see your left cheek hanging out of them. Or any cheek for that matter. Again, if you want to wear shorts, there are plenty of pairs that won’t make members of the general public shriek in horror, so buy them instead.


The final no-no is any maxi garment. Despite their arrival way back in 2007, this one still proves a popular choice for some. Perhaps it’s our unpredictable weather that sparks panic into pasty legged women nationwide who lose their nerve at the first sign of sun. Remember the heat wave a few weeks ago? Unless you’re among the kind whose leggy silhouette suits even a paper bag, a floor length dress will still be unflattering. That said, a long delicately pleated skirt, balanced proportionately with perhaps a soft denim shirt, very occasionally, can work.


Other items that are clearly off-limits are: the previously mentioned UGG boots, denim jackets (sorry), anything bandeau of which repeatedly hiking up your boobs to avoid mass humiliation suddenly seems appropriate. All of which have previously made me cringe, not least because I may have indulged in them myself in some long forgotten, fashion faux pas of time. Can you guess which one?

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