Mullet-Dress A-No-Go

Mullet dress - Jessica AlbaGreetings from Auckland-where I’m now based, unemployed and feeling hopeless, and therefore attached to my netbook, writing various facetious articles for LoveScene Magazine.


Right now as I bask in the 30-degree sun (cue an ever-so-slightly smug laugh), there’s an article sitting beside me from NZ women’s magazine Cleo debating the trend of the mullet dress. Worn by the likes of Jessica Alba I’m sure you’re all well aware of its credentials;  it’s a mini-skirt at the front and a full on maxi-dress from the back – long and short, hence it’s ‘mullet’ nickname – and anything named after something as vomit-inducing as the mullet has surely got to be a fashion disaster?…Hasn’t it? I actually gave myself an accidental (with perhaps just a pinch of attention-seeking) mullet when I was five and if I’d been given a pair of scissors and one of my mum’s puffy dresses at the same time, I’m sure the result would’ve been something similar to the mullet dress. This isn’t fashion, it’s a fashion massacre. Am I the only one who thinks it looks like the front of the skirt is stuck in the wearer’s knickers? They’ll be adding toilet-roll soon and calling it a train. It’s no better than a theatre curtain that gets stuck on the encore and it’s about as flattering as, well, a mullet.


But who am I to say what’s in fashion right now? Especially on an entirely different continent? Only last week I wore my super-sophisticated palazzo trousers out in Sydney and was asked by four different people, on four separate occasions if I was wearing pyjamas. One of them even started addressing me as ‘Pyjama Girl’ for the evening. And there I was laughing at the ridiculousness of the mullet skirt, which I might add, and I don’t know how popular they are in the UK right now, but here they’re on every shop corner – in a vast assortment of colours. It’s a rainbow-coloured mullet-fest down under and unlike the sun, sea and sand, I’m not rating it.


This has got to be a passing-fad?  Surely this has got to be a passing fad!!? Like the pedal-pushers of the late 1990s and from the same dreadful decade, the trouser-skirt combo. Anybody remember that one? Literally office-style trousers with a matching mini-skirt sewn into the hem round the top. I wasn’t cool enough to own a pair and I have never been more grateful for being such a high-school geek. Who even designs these monstrosities?! How do they make it main-stream? It’s one of the world’s many wonders for sure. Either that or it really is an attention-seeking five year old with a long dress and a pair of shears.


For now and for as long as they should last, I will have to stomach the mullet-skirt and react to them much as I do the mullet-hair; laugh, grimace and occasionally point in disbelief. The palazzo trousers have also been washed, pressed and hidden at the back of my cupboard in a nondescript plastic bag and sealed on all sides with super-glue. I couldn’t possibly pull another fashion faux-pas on foreign soil now could I? But let it be known, if they even consider bringing in a dreadlock-inspired fashion piece, I’ll be on the first flight home.


Photo by Picture Perfect / Rex USA ( 715860e ) Jessica Alba