The Demise of the Cleavage


Celebrity CleavageIt seems the cleavage has gone the same way as the ill-fated peek-a-boo thong; sentenced to an eternity in bad-taste heaven where all the fashion faux-pas of the nineties reside.



The new season for Autumn 2011 is all about high-neck blouses and elegant masculine cuts where the idea of curves is presented, rather than forced in the face of every passer by. Similar to the exposed thong, cleavage over-kill has finally been branded uncouth and thrown to the fashion wolves.



Not so long ago when the likes of Katie Price and Jodie Marsh were fighting it out in the celebrity underworld, the cleavage became a girl’s ultimate accessory. Big was never big enough and the more on show, the sexier (we thought) we looked. It was a huge boob-binge and it went on for so long, the inevitable eventually happened – we got sick of it. I say ‘we’ – I’m sure men will never tire of an exaggerated bust, but for the rest of us who have been subject to over-sized breasts stuffed in under-sized tops for more than a decade, enough has most definitely become enough.



Now I can appreciate a well-endowed chest as much as the next person, especially as I’m pretty demure myself. A decent chest can turn a good outfit into an absolutely stunning one, however, I’m also prone to a bowl of Kelloggs Frosties, but that doesn’t mean I want Tony Tiger to ram a box of it down my throat every waking hour of the day. It’s a cliché yes, but sometimes you can have too much of a good thing.



My biggest problem with the extroverted cleavage is its insistence on making…nigh, forcing, you to look at it. I go to an all-female gym which people believe is a nicer way to exercise without enduring muscle-loving, narcissistic men, but I personally feel more uncomfortable having six sets of breasts bouncing in my face. I feel I have to work out with my eyes fixed on my trainers. If not, I’m forced into a seedy voyeurism I never wanted part of. If I look up – wham, if I look across – double wham. So trainers it is. And it’s not just the gym where this abuse occurs – up until recently breasts were literally hanging out everywhere you looked. Nights out went something like this: Purse? Check. Mobile? Check. ID? Check. Breasts hanging out like a pair of swelling water balloons? Check. In fact, just stepping outdoors seemed to result in a mass cleavage-clashing orgy. They were literally inescapable.



I don’t want to completely bad-mouth the fuller breast; in reality they are the best asset we have as women. They can make a man’s t-shirt look better on us than they do on him and I do have all my ‘gifted’ friends to thank for getting served drinks so quickly – and on some occasions, for free. However, I’m also very pleased fashion has put the not-so-humble cleavage back into its cage; under delicate tops and simple dresses that only give a suggestion of sex; rather than all-areas season ticket to the sauciest show in town.



Autumn 2011 is thankfully more about flattering shirts, soft blouses and lots of winter-enduring coats blazoned with buttons, and with plenty of well-tailored trousers to choose from, the teenies are sure to make way for the once-forgotten but refreshingly humble derrière.



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