Reading old diary extracts can be a painful yet uplifting ex-perience, and it’s funny how you never write about the good stuff. This weekend I stumbled across some interesting notes I had made to make myself feel better at the time, they epically failed, but I found it fascinating to see where I was then and where I am now…
This was as written just before things went pear shaped, but the writing was pretty much on the wall:
***** likes you, he has seen the real you without you even realising it and has been around through the bad times. He made an effort to get you- with the texts, emails, drunken phone calls and constantly telling you how awesome you are. Just because he has backed off does not mean he likes you any less.
I was in denial, big time. If anyone made me feel that way now I would tell them to jog on, and I certainly wouldn’t use drunken phone calls as the bench mark for realising someone likes you. From this I learnt that the cold feeling in the pit of your stomach, and writing crap like this, means that your dumpsville P45 is in the post.
The next extract was written about 2 weeks before the P45 arrived:
If he decides this isn’t for him then there is nothing you can do about it; think about yourself and what you want. He said to you that he cannot fully commit to a relationship right now but still wants to be exclusive; he didn’t say I cannot see anyone right now and it isn’t working.
Dear me, what a poor cow I was! I didn’t think about myself what so ever, in my eyes he was the only thing that made me happy, but these days my writing career gives me ten times more happiness and will never tell me it isn’t working or let me down. As for still wanting to be exclusive? I should have realised that this wasn’t a scene from High School Musical…
This extract was written 2 days after the dumping:
Things are over with *****, the old him has gone, the new him is horrible. He didn’t make me feel special, didn’t show much affection, didn’t text back, didn’t want to see you, didn’t make you feel secure, and didn’t care about your situation or feelings. Do not blame yourself, have any sort of contact, check his Facebook or find out what he is up to. It is 100% over and this is not your fault or loss.
I wrote this as seeing it in black and white made me realise how much of a douche bag he actually was, and impressively I stuck to all of my plans even though it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Beyonce would be proud as I definitely ran the world with this one!
The next part was written only a week after the previous one:
Just accept that he doesn’t like you anymore. Imagine he has said the following to you: “I think you are amazing but I just don’t have those feelings for you. I cannot be with you as I just don’t have any spark and don’t see a future. I can’t force something which isn’t there.” I’m missing him today, caring about how he feels…. Pointless, meaningless and not getting you any closer to moving on. Face facts: If he wanted to be with you he would, he doesn’t like you in that way, he just isn’t that in to you.
Ouch, I was the master of self-torture and searched everywhere for answers as he gave me non; it was the most pathetic piece of theatre I had ever seen. These days if someone doesn’t like me I see it as one less person getting in my way of finding someone decent.
The final extract was written 2 months after the break up:
Nearly 2 months down the line and I feel much better, but just as worse…especially after seeing him with another girl in his car this morning; bad times. Doesn’t take a genius to work out that he is probably sleeping with her. I had to see it eventually, and I’m already hurting so why not take on the extra pain and deal with it altogether. You know you deserve better, and it doesn’t matter who she is; it is no longer your problem and he is just one big walking problem. DONE.
Dramatic and such a big over reaction, as it turns out they just worked together, but in my mind they had amazing sex and he suddenly had a girlfriend to fill my shoes. It is still true now that he is a walking problem, and if he managed to pull a therapist then things would probably work out.
I don’t normally write any sort of diary, but I would advise to do so when going through a bad break up; to feel and heal, but to also look back a year down the line and feel self-admiration at how things can change.