They say, well Rod Stewart does in the Cat Stevens song I love, that “the first cut is the deepest.” They, well Rod, are of course talking about love and the pain such magic brings when it all comes crashing down around our ears, leaving our hopes in tatters and our hearts torn – sometimes to shreds… Ouch? Ouch indeed!
But is the loss of your first love really the worst? No matter who comes after? No matter how long or how serious other relationships get? Does the first really stick with you that little bit more?
I have loved two men. One I love currently, as I should and one I will always love in some way. I do not know if it is because he was the first or just his overall significance, but I doubt I could ever fully absolve myself of feeling for him, despite parting on bad terms and remaining so. We simply shared too much together – in terms of time, life, hopes and dreams…
I believed we would be together for life. It was a naïve belief – entirely ungrounded and blinkered. He was indeed not my first, my last, my everything like good old Barry said and I am undoubtedly the happier for it.
But yes it hurts that we couldn’t see it through, that I didn’t get it right on the first go. I cannot be one of those smug people that have walked hand in hand with the same person their whole lives… Oh well.
I suppose for me the pain is in the fact that when it came to it to lose him was a blessing – a relief even. We were beyond over, having stuck around far too long. In doing so we had lost almost all positive feeling and regard for one another… That is the truly sad part.
Deep down I am too much of a realist to really mourn the failure of my first relationship. The pain is the reality of what happened and not the fact that it didn’t work out. I know too well that life does not always run smoothly and how unbearable waking each morning with someone who isn’t fulfilling you can be. It’s soul destroying and I never ever want to revisit that.
And so I guess my first has left me with some pretty deep scars, which I fail to conceal daily. Only time will tell if these prove to be the deepest cuts inflicted upon me, but I am happy and awaiting my future with eager anticipation…
I do wonder if my first had been my second or third would the cuts be so deep? I want to say I think they would, but I refuse to believe that Cat and more huskily Rod were telling porkies…