I, like most people, only go to my local pub to steal a copy of the weekend papers. After all, I have a perfectly good liquor cabinet (kitchen) at home, and there are only so many times that you can order Cumberland sausages before you have to acknowledge, that eating said sausages is probably reducing the likelihood of you being able to find a mate.
Last weekend I went to the pub to watch Australia thrash England in the rugby (author’s creative license and all), and I stumbled across the personal ads in one of the paper’s magazines. I wasn’t paying much attention to the game…it was pretty obvious Australia was going to walk it in.
I have never placed a personal ad; mainly out of laziness, which I am convinced is genetic. Also anyone who knows me well, will know that I prefer to employ far less subtle methods to help me pick up a bloke; I find that arse pinching is a far more effective way to demonstrate that I am on the market…their arse by the way, not mine.
The first thing that struck me about the personal ads was that it seemed that every funny person in London is not only single, but also advertising themselves in the paper. The pages are filled with a disproportionately high number of people who are blessed with a good sense of humour (GSOH.) I assume that when the BBC is looking for a fresh batch of comedy writers, they simply call around some of the folks featured in the personal ads. Maybe John Cleese was just looking for a date when he was discovered?
Despite them professing to be comedic geniuses, most of their ads read with as much wit as a label you would find on a bottle of shampoo. And I should know, a single woman spends far too long in the bath reading such labels.
As I read on, the other thing that strikes me about these personal ads is that despite most of them claiming to be ‘professional’, they still seem keen to save a few quid by using acronyms like GSH or WLTM. Surely if ever there was a time to splash out and impress the ladies or gents, it is when you are placing a personal ad? I mean if you are on the cheap side now, what are you going to be like by the time we get to our fifth anniversary? Please note that I am unable to imagine a relationship that lives beyond five years. The pine tree in my courtyard and I have been together for coming up to three years, which is a record.
I decided that if I were to reply to an ad, it would be to the blokes who aren’t scared of being financially crippled by using words with two or more syllables. These blokes are far more likely to buy me a ring so large that it requires a parking permit.
The other thing that makes me chuckle, is the order in which the paper lists the ads. ‘Men seeking women’ is listed first and then ‘Men seeking men’ comes next. Apparently whatever women are seeking, is secondary to what the blokes in London are after. In my experience though guys in London normally come first anyway.
In the end I decide not to reply to any of the ads; I discover that it costs £1.50 to send a text reply to each ad. Just think of how many Cumberland sausages I could buy for that, and how warm they would keep me on the long walk from the pub back to the bath.