“Beautiful mind, tortured soul. I do have to figure out why I am attracted to these broken birds”. So said the amazing Katy Perry in last month’s Vogue. Preaching to the choir sister; I too am asking myself this. After 3 attempts at relationships with issue-ridden overgrown man-child(ren), I’m wondering why I keep going for these ‘sensitive’ souls.
People feel they can talk to me. They confide in me knowing that I won’t judge them and I have practical solutions or a sympathetic ear. But all this just makes me think – what are men really looking for? Are any of them as tough as they seem, or are we all sensitive vulnerable people under the bravado? Do we all use humour and sarcasm as a defensive mechanism? And why do I find such characteristics attractive?
I really hate the idea that if a guy is single after a certain age ‘there is a reason’. How about travelling, enjoying your youth, spending time connecting with yourself and discovering what you actually want to do with your life? And yet, it seems to be the pattern that these days, guys fall in love in their early twenties, it doesn’t work out, and they spend the rest of their twenties moping and being ‘damaged’ by it all. So as much as I hate the idea, perhaps there is something in it. Or maybe we have gotten to the age where we all carry so much baggage, new relationships aren’t about a clean slate, but finding someone else to share the back-breaking burden.
Now, having realised that a recent interest is in fact also a member of the ‘I’m not good enough for you, waaah’ club, I’m not going to pursue it. It might be superficial of me, but I don’t need another man with emo issues. And I also don’t like guys with kids. In my experience they are either looking for ‘the one’ – to replace the one they thought was the one but in actual fact they despise after she became a mother to their child(ren) – or, they only want sex. But who really wants to have to come face to face with the ‘psycho ex’ on a regular basis? And can he ever truly move on if he has kids with her?
Deciding not to pursue it is one thing. But I still find myself wondering why in general I am attracted to men like this? I’m not the only one. Is it possible that we go for tortured souls because we want to shine our immense loving light on them, help them heal and come into the category of ‘forever’ because we really are strong enough to fix them? Or is it because 3D is more interesting than 2D, and a 3D guy has more characteristics we can relate to? Perhaps we hope that given their delicacy, they will understand and respect ours more than a Neanderthal can.
Katy tried, and failed. Not through lack of trying. So did I. But whereas she has the money to jet off to a different hemisphere or buy a new home to live in, us mere mortals have to live with the constant reminders of the love we lost and the broken heart that hurts on a physical level. That’s not to say she doesn’t hurt like everyone else. But for every heartache, there is a bottle of hairdye. And fabulous glittery heels.